"The Awful Truth" by Constance B. Mooreston

Wanted: Mansion, Palace, or Extreme Penthouse for One

What kinds of couches do billionaire playboys surf when their manor is destroyed? Very pricey ones.

Since the historic Wayne Manor went up in flames, Bruce Wayne has been sighted in some of the most exclusive hotels in the city — but he seems to be spending the most time in the home of his Chief Operating Officer, Lucius Fox.

But Wayne is, for once, getting a little tired of freeloading. Word has it that he will be looking for the perfect temporary home until the Manor is rebuilt.

Why not continue freeloading on Fox? After all, Wayne has been freeloading on family money all his life. And he's been freeloading on Fox's business acumen in Wayne's play-act as "Chief Executive Officer" of Wayne Industries. Maybe Wayne was getting home too late for Fox's taste.

After all, Wayne is going to all the swankiest clubs, and courting all the swankiest girls. That is, if you call "getting incredibly drunk and stumbling into an awaiting limo" a proper courtship. Maybe Fox sat the young tycoon down and asked him to take his perpetual party elsewhere, since Fox, at least, has a business to run.

The question now is, where will Bruce run off to while he cuts down African rainforests to rebuild Wayne Manor in the splendor to which he has become accustomed? Many real estate observers say Wayne should have no problem renting.

That is, unless Wayne wants to rent in a tony co-op, where the boards frown on public drunkenness, carousing, and bringing home every breast-enhanced floozy within driving distance.

Other apartment buildings won't be so selective. Bruce Wayne may be a dipsomaniac, he may be a decadent rich boy, but he's got money — and that's all that counts in Gotham these days. Real class picked up and fled long ago.